How to cope with pet loss

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Trigger Warning: loss of pet, pictures of deceased pet

My child died four days before my birthday.

Tears are welling in my eyes as I write this, and the screen is blurring. But I’m used to this reaction — it happens every time I think of him.

It was June 19, 2021, and my husband and I were supposed to be at the beach that weekend. My mom had driven out that Friday to babysit, but I knew in my heart he wasn’t going to make it until we got home. And I simply refused to leave him.

His name was Odin and he was our first Bernese Mountain Dog. He was also the first dog my husband and I got together, and the first that was 100% ours and not a childhood pet. He was only 7.5 years old.

He was diagnosed with lung cancer, and gone within a month. And because Fate is a cruel mistress, I had to be the one to make the call to end his suffering.

I wanted to have an in-home euthanasia service do it since he had trouble standing up, but after calling 10 different companies who all told me they were booked for the weekend, I gave up and knew I had to give him this final act of love to end his suffering.

We called our local vet who was gracious enough to squeeze us in, drove him in, and waited behind the building as the vet and two of his nurses came to our car. They performed the procedure right there so we wouldn’t have to move him and cause him further pain.

I held him in my arms the entire trip over and back, and coated his fur with tears both ways. We buried him on our property underneath his favorite tree, and to this day nothing has grown atop his grave.

Something in me irreparably changed that day, and I haven’t taken an entirely peaceful breath since.

You’re NOT Being Dramatic

Sound dramatic? If yes, please click off this article now and unsubscribe. If you’re the type of person who doesn’t think pets are children, we’re not each other’s people and must respect that about one another.

And even though its been three years, I still find myself succumbing to the grief at random times —when I see a dog being walked that looks like him, a memory pops up on my Facebook feed, or I’m cleaning the basement and a “random” box falls and dumps out all his old toys.

Yes, time helps.

But there’s still the days where, I’ll be in the middle of the grocery aisle and get so angry at how unfair life is, I just want to scream right then and there. Or the times where I have a panic attack during my workday, and have to step outside to feel like I’m able to suck down enough air. And then there’s the times when I’m staring blankly ahead, not really feeling anything. That’s the worst feeling of all — the lack of caring about any of it.

When all I want is my dog back.

I equate this feeling of overwhelming, gut-wrenching sadness to the loss of a human child, though I’ll never know how that feels. This is the reason losing pets is so hard — particularly for the childfree population. They are the children.

And even if you have kids, your pet could be a service animal and you’re grieving the loss of a coworker, the loss of your independence, or your emotional support. Maybe you live alone and your pet was your only source of regular companionship. Or you were unable to afford veterinary treatment to prolong their life and you feel an intense sense of guilt.

And while its been scientifically proven that losing a pet IS the grief equivalent of losing a human loved one, every time I write about it, I get the random comment telling me I’m being ridiculous or “it’sno comparison”.

And to that I say - f$%^ off. No “respectfully” about it, just f$%^ off.

It’s not a competition, and your grief isn’t any more or less valid than mine. I’ve lost plenty of humans I’ve loved too in my 37 years — the pain is the same.

Someone who says “it’s just a pet” to me, would be the equivalent of them standing over the casket at a viewing and telling the loved ones standing beside it, “it’s just a person”. No one in their right mind would dream of doing that. And yet, that’s what happens to us pet parents all the time.

Our losses are minimalized, marginalized and dismissed by a society who doesn’t see us as parents at all.

And frankly, I’m beyond over it.

The Art of Not Giving A F$%^

Is there a right or wrong way to respond to comments like this?

The beauty of getting older is that you care less and less about what anyone thinks. And I do mean anyone — internet trolls, mean girls from high school, and even (and perhaps especially) some friends and family members. Yes, getting old is actually quite freeing — highly recommend.

And while I’ve wanted to tell people off, I haven’t succumbed to that level of human baseness yet (though if you have, no judgment here). What I can offer are a few ways that have helped me deal with others devaluing my loss:

• Don’t argue with others about whether or not your grief is appropriate
• Accept the fact that the best support may come from outside your normal circle
• Seek out others who have lost pets and who appreciate the magnitude of your loss

You don’t need to respond at all if you don’t want to. The old saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” is shockingly universal.

If you do choose to voice your thoughts or opinions, I recommend not burning every bridge in the city, but ultimately, the decision, and level of response you choose is entirely up to you.

Moving Forward vs. Just Moving

Grieving is an individualized experience and to be fully transparent, I’m not sure I’m the best one to be giving advice on how best to do it (reference random bouts of crying above).

But whether you’re measuring your grieving process in weeks, months, or years like me, in my experience the best thing you can do is be patient, and give yourself grace. Don’t be ashamed for feeling shocked, sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed — or all of these at the same time. It’s all ok.

If I may though, a few things that have helped me:

• Don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel
• Reach out to those who’ve lost pets
• Join an online or in-person pet grief support group
• Memorialize and celebrate them — create a small memorial, have a headstone made (we keep Odin’s on the fireplace mantle), create a photo album or scrapbook, take a trip on the anniversary of their death to their favorite place. Yes it will be sad, but it’ll also help you begin to associate the event with more positive memories
• Practice self-care
• Seek professional help if/when you need it

At the end of the day, I don’t feel I’ll ever “move on” or even “move forward”. I’m just moving.

And as long as I can continue to find purpose and peace in the movement, that’s good enough for me.

Redefining Parenthood

Odin’s last meal was pancakes with chocolate chips and vanilla ice cream.

I have a video of him eating it on our kitchen floor because his legs could no longer support him. In the background you can hear both my mom and I sniffling and talking softly to him while rubbing his back. She also took a bunch of photos that Friday and Saturday. And while at first I questioned why she’d want to document one of the worst periods of my life, I’m incredibly grateful to have those moments of his last days memorialized.

I still go out and sit by his grave, and every now and then my husband, or one of our current boys will join me.

His passing reminds me that life and death, pain and happiness — it’s all two sides of the same coin. There is no timeframe on grief, nor is there a manual on the process. And anyone who chooses to devalue it on account of the type of being that is lost, I have nothing to say to them.

So whether you have two-legged or four-legged children, my stance is we’re all parents.

And losing a child is one, if not the most painful of human experiences to have to endure. To all my fellow pet parents who’ve gone through this — I see you. Please reach out if you need to.

And to Odin — mommy and daddy love you. Hope you’re up there eating all the things you shouldn’t. We’ll bring more pancakes and ice cream when we come.

Are you childfree and lost a pet? How did you deal with the grief? Hit reply and share your story — you’re never alone here and I read and respond to every email.

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